CTOKOS Blog

“The basic difference between being assertive and being aggressive is how our words and behavior affect the rights and well being of others”

Sharon Anthony Bower

It is interesting that many people still confuse being assertive with being aggressive. How about you? Have you learnt the difference? Forgive me if you have, but for those of you who still aren’t quite clear, here is a quick guide to assertiveness - going for the win-win result.

Assertiveness is a behavior or skill that helps you to communicate, clearly and with confidence, your feelings, needs, wants and thoughts, whilst acknowledging the needs of others. It means that you are able to state your opinions without feeling self-conscious, as well as being able to express your emotions openly. Being assertive will enable you to make clear to others how you wish to proceed in all aspects of your life. At the same time you will value others, respecting their right to an opinion as well. Through effective, assertive communication you will be able to express how you wish to move forward.

Is there an issue that needs to be resolved? Before confronting someone, why not write down what you are going to say? Be polite, concise and include the following elements: the nature of the problem; how it affects you; how you feel about it; what you want to change. Be prepared to negotiate if necessary to bring resolution. By using tact and foresight and by making the effort to see the other point of view and acknowledging it you will place yourself in a position of strength. Be prepared to offer a compromise if that fits in with what you are aiming to achieve. Assertiveness does not mean digging your heels in for the sake of it!

Are you behaving passively? Do you think it is selfish to say what you want? Do you worry that if you refuse to do something, then people won’t like you? Or do you think that other people should know what you want? Sorry. Most people are so wound up with their own thoughts and worries that they usually haven’t time to be second-guessing you. By being clear and prepared to defend your own position if necessary, you will be able to build better relationships with those around you.

Feeling aggressive? Take it out in the gym, on a punch ball or on the running track rather than at work or at home. Aggression is emotion out of control and can be very destructive. A physical activity can help you to diffuse the aggression.

One of the great skills of an assertive person is the ability to say “no”. Be brief and to the point. Be honest. If you know an unwelcome request is coming your way practice saying “no” in advance. What are you going to say and do? If necessary, use the ‘Broken Record Technique’ where you just keep repeating your statement softly, calmly and persistently. Don’t confuse rejecting a request with rejecting the person making the request. Most people are happy to accept an honest “no” if it is expressed appropriately. The first time will be the hardest!

Practice the body movements of an assertive person. When standing, be upright and relaxed with open hand gestures. Relax your facial features and make firm and direct eye contact with whoever you are communicating with. This does not mean that you spend the day grinning! Your facial expression needs to be appropriate to how you are feeling, so that you don’t give out any mixed messages. If you are pleased, smile, but if you aren’t so happy with the way things are, feel free to frown.

Show a willingness to explore other solutions than your own if necessary. Encourage creativity from all. “How can we solve this problem?” will encourage others to tap into their resourcefulness. Sometimes it just takes a bit of encouragement.

Weigh the costs. Telling other people how you feel also makes it easier for them to communicate their feelings to you. Assertiveness is about acknowledging that all opinions are important - “I matter and so do you”. By being passive or aggressive you will lose out. Being assertive costs nothing but brings many benefits. You will be able to communicate better, command respect and be listened to within respectful, negotiating relationships. Win-Win? Definitely!

Kate Harper is based in the beautiful Highlands of Scotland. Check out her website www.harpercoaching.com She works with people who are fed up with moaning about their lives and have decided to do something about it. If that is you, please take a look at Kate’s website. Her special interest is in promoting Wellbeing through coaching. She is happy to work with people from any part of the world. “The distance is nothing; it is only the first step that is difficult.” Madame Marie du Deffand Take your first step today and contact Kate.

To deal with the huge amount of waste created at the work place and around the home, machines called shredders are used to process the unwanted material into pieces. There are different types of shredders, in various sizes, each designed to process different grade materials. Heavy grade machines are used to process wood, branches and other organic matter into chips, which can be used as mulch in gardens.

More commonly used are paper shredders which, along with laminators, are recognized as an essential part of the modern day office environment. These shredders are used to dispose of sensitive documents containing information that is confidential to a business or individual. Home shredders are being snapped up especially now they are lower in price proving to be great value for money. Some shredders are even designed to fit easily on a desk or discreetly on a shelf.

With the large volume of office stationery used by both large and small companies alike, the range of shredders for this market is extensive. The competition between shredder brands is very fierce within this sector and as a result technology is ever changing, producing newer models with more efficient features. The shredded waste created can be re-cycled in plenty of ways and shredders provide an excellent solution to reducing companies waste.

Look around the (online dating) web and you will notice that the online dating scene is a lot focused on single Russian women and other East European women. The reason that in particular women from these countries are looking for a foreign partner is generally known, but will not be discussed in this article. But I do like to give you some tips when you must NOT dating or contacting Russian women.

Let me give you 6 valuable tips:

Tip 1.
If you are a single man and you don’t want to be single anymore then you probably already are using the Internet as a source to find a new partner. But fun dating, chatting and ‘playing around’ with people from your own culture or country is something different then being determined to find specific a Russian woman with the one and only purpose: to marry her. This means traveling to Russia (to meet her), possible language barrier, learning about the Russian (women) culture, be prepared for unexpected situations, like money expenses, possible scam situations (if you are looking in the wrong places) and many more.
If you are not convinced about yourself that this is all worth for you, then don’t start dating or contacting Russian women. A serious looking Russian woman who is a formal member of a serious established agency has already prepared herself before she decides to register herself as a possible candidate for serious looking single men from all over the world. She is not looking for pen pals or everlasting month’s of email correspondence, no she is looking for a life partner with one main purpose: to build a happy family.

Tip 2.
If you think that register yourself at some dubious free dating site would be enough to present yourself as a serious looking single man, who is looking for a serious marriage minded Russian woman with the expectation that many women will contact you first, then don’t start to find your future Russian wife in these places, because you will not find them here. These kind of sites can be fun of course, but are also hotbeds for possible scammers.
Believe me, I have unfortunately a lot of experience with men who started at the wrong places. Be smart and take a huge head-start by avoiding these places.

Tip 3.
There are people who register themselves in men’s catalogs with photographs as if they are looking like ‘Tarzan’s’ or use photo’s only wearing swimming shorts, just to impress young good looking ladies. And write a biography using 3 lines like “Hello, my name is [name], I am a single man looking for a young beautiful woman who also likes music, going out, having fun and drive fast cars, if you are interested, then please write me back”
If you identify yourself with that kind of persons, then don’t contact or try to impress Russian women in such way. Russian women are not looking for Brad Pitt look-alikes or muscles like Sylvester Stallone. They are not judging ‘looks’ at all, and you will find out why if you take the trouble to do this the right way.

Tip4.
If you think Russian women are looking for any (western) man just because you think they are looking for a new country, a better life, a wealthy man, no matter if he is 20 years older than she is, then please keep on dreaming. They just seek compatible partners for long term-relationships and marriage and want to love and be loved, that’s all no more, no less!

Tip 5.
If you don’t have a regular job or (enough) income or don’t have a house/apartment (rent or owned) big enough to live with a family, or if you have any serious criminal records (I am not talking about non paid parking tickets), then don’t try to bring a Russian woman into your country. You will not succeed. Not because of my personal advise which has nothing to do with this, but because of the strict regulations, procedures and rules that are imposed by the authorities when you have the intention to immigrate a Russian woman into your country. Please advise the official USCIS website by yourself: http://uscis.gov/graphics/howdoi/fiance.htm

Tip 6
If you think, that when she finally joins you in your country, you can start living your ‘normal’ life again and if you think she is capable enough to find her own way in your (for her) strange country, to find at once a job, to teach herself your language and find by herself new friends and if you think she should be ‘thankful’ that you have ‘pulled her out’ her poor mafia controlled and corrupted country, then don’t start even thinking about contacting a Russian woman. At least the first month’s she will need extra support from you to settle herself with you as a ‘just married’ husband-and-wife couple and she has to adjust to your country (customs), your culture, your language, your friends, your colleague’s, your shops, your train and bus schedule, your etc. and that takes time and patience from both of you.

But my (western) husband and I can assure you: It’s all worth it!

Please do not think I am some weird arrogant Russian woman and do understand that I am certainly not trying to discourage you to ‘date’ Russian women, on the contrary, I only want to give you some serious tips about the things that really won’t work and if you want to learn more, please visit my website ‘Are you crazy enough to marry a Russian’ woman and start reading my advise chapters: Advice and Information

Irina Sbitneva, is a Russian woman who owns and operates her website www.russian-women-info.com about finding, contacting, meeting and marrying a Russian woman. Irina is a former scientist of the Institute of Immunology in Moscow. In the millennium year she married her (western) husband.